Head in the Stars, Feet on the Ground

When I was a little girl, parents told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. And what I wanted to be, more than anything else, was a martyr. That's when they realized I'd spent too much time reading the "Lives of the Saints" book I was given at baptism.

Martyrdom gave way to wanting to be an astronaut. This was something I was extremely passionate about. I was born with my head in the stars. I remember being about four- it's when we lived in the countryside- and sitting in the driveway with my brother, John. We'd make up constellations- "that's the kite constellation!" "That's the teapot!". When I started elementary school, my parents put me in a s mall parochial school that practiced "Holistic Learning"- far beyond the rote and recall of traditional classes, we mixed learning to read with tales of the Greeks and Romans, mythology with mathematics, astronomy with history. By the second grade I could tell you all about the TRUE constellations and what their stories were, both Greek and the Roman counterpart (for what it's worth, I've always preferred the Greek to the Roman.). I can still walk outside and immediately find Orion, Scorpio, and the generalization of the Pliades.

That passion for the stars made me want to travel among them. Top Gun made me want to fly jets. So I figured I'd start my professional career in the military, flying fighter jets until I could fly the Shuttle. The Navy at that time didn't allow female pilots, so I looked to the Air Force. By the 8th grade, I had my ducks in a row: a writing relationship with Senator Bob Dole (since you have to have a recommendation), as well as my mom pulling strings with an old boyfriend who just HAPPENED to be an Admiral. I was involved in teh community, in clubs. I would go to the Air Force Academy, I would study aeronautical engineering, I would do my time in the service, and prepare my step to NASA. Someday, *I* would be the one in the stars.

But at fifteen we discovered my vision sucked, and I wouldn't be flying much of anything. Too easily I let myself be talked out of the stars... and found my TRUE love waiting for me- journalism. I love to write. I can write all day- letters, notes, lists, stories, poems. I love taking our magnetic fridge poetry and composing bits on the go:

Oh wretched corn flakes!
Without sugar your taste is
Resembling cardboard.

I went to KU and immersed myself in the J-school. I worked for the yearbook AND the paper my freshman year. I started getting really interested in advertising, combining my loves of layout and art with writing. I created an ad campaign geared toward the then fledgling Major League Baseball ("MLB: Back to Basics). I also met a boy and quit going to all of my classes but the J-school stuff. Apparently that's not okay, and I was asked, somewhat politely, to leave for a while and come back when I had my head on straight. I got my head on straight, but I also met my husband and married at 20. A series of events later, and I found myself with two kids, moving here there an everywhere, and a husband that was back in school. I had found photography, ran a successful business before an interstate move closed things down and the economy created a wall between re-start and success.

And here i am. My boys are both in school now, the oldest in 3rd grade, and the youngest in a half day pre-k program. As I sit here, with my coffee and bonbons, I wonder... is this it? Don't get me wrong, I ADORE what I do with my boys, and there is a satisfaction in managing the house... but I want something else- something more. I want to go back to school.

But for what? There's my hesitation. Do I follow my dreams or do I do the responsible thing? If I were following my dreams, I'd get my formal degree in photography, a minor in english, and look towards photojournalism. I look at National Geographic, Time, Newsweek.... and I breathe it in like oxygen, devour it like food for the starving.

But I'm a mother and a wife. I'm not 20 anymore, with the world at my feet. And that part of me tells me to be responsible. Look for something with staying power, where you can find a job no matter where you are. Health Care. I've always been interested in physiology, the body, science. I love to fall asleep to Discovery heatlh (much to my squeamish husband's chagrin... but come on! Nothing like a good brain surgery or facial reconstruction to fall asleep to!). Phlebotomy, radiology... no matter where we moved to I could find a j ob most likely. I can still take pictures on the weekends.

But not how I dream of.

DH is finishing school, and it's time for me to start making decisions. Do I let my heart lead? Or do I listen to my head?
The clock is ticking....